I have to clean up with you all. I wrote a blog post last week called The real reason your not in a relationship and I said that I would write a follow up post in the next couple of days and I didn’t. And I am sorry. I have to confess that the reason I didn’t do that is because I had asked you to comment and when no one did I felt kind of inadequate and like I didn’t want to write a follow up because of that. It got me thinking…….. how we do that in life and in relationships because we feel we need the validation before we do the follow up.
I want you to know that if you are waiting for a relationship to validate you or complete you……..you could be waiting an eternity. It took meeting my soul mate for me to realise that. I had to go through a painful period of truly discovering WHY I wanted a relationship and what I thought I needed from it. It was tough at times ! even heart-breaking and that’s not what I want for you. Until I stopped playing games and doing the dance that got me into the same situation time time again I couldn’t even see what it was that I was doing! And that’s not what I want for you, the experience of “why is this happening again?” or “why doesn’t it work out for me?”
So for what it’s worth I get that you are afraid to comment, I understand that you don’t want to “bare your soul” online and I truly believe that what I have , you are also capable of having and there’s just a few small steps you need to go through first. And more than anything I want you to know ( and so wish I had someone saying this to me !) , if you ARE single ( or in a dysfunctional relationship) and you want a LOVING HEALTHY relationship then firstly there is nothing wrong here, and secondly this is your golden opportunity to focus on THE MOST IMPORTANT relationship you will ever have and that is the one with yourself. So please feel free to leave comments and speak up.
Most people think of having a selfish or self-centred view point of their lives as somehow being wrong or selfish or perhaps not what they want to portray to a potential partner and I understand why. Selfish people or rather people who only focus on their own needs and wants and the outcomes they get out of situations, can be kind of painful to be around. I know! Not only have I spent time around several of these people in my life , I have also BEEN one of these people. So what I want to share with you is that PEOPLE are not SELFISH , they are driven to do SELFISH behaviours and sometimes those drivers are deep and hidden from view. They are also managed solely by the EGO or the PERSONALITY and not the SOUL /SPIRIT /HEART or SOURCE ( inner self, higher wisdom ….whatever you want to call it). For the purposes of this conversation I will call it the HEART.
When we allow the EGO to manage our physicality and duality here on earth AND it is driven or sourced in, the HEART then things flow, we make choices aligned with who we really are and abundance flows. When our EGO is the DRIVER , shutting out the HEART and making decisions based on its own SURVIVAL in a cold and calculating world , its then that we run into a bit of trouble. It ‘s a bit like saying “We don’t like wars, we are a peace-keeping nation and to manage this we are going to send a defence force with guns and weapons to the frontline to make a stand for this”. Basically people with guns see other people with guns and ANYTHING BUT peace ensues. See what I am saying here?
This is basically what we do in life, in relationships, We are driven by an EGO that says, I want LOVE however I know that people are basically selfish and out to get me so whilst I am going to go out LOOKING pretty , I’m going to have my armour on and some concealed weapons just in case I get hurt!!! Problem is the other person can SEE the ‘concealed’ armour and weapons and so the game begins. It’s all just pretence. It’s not driven by the HEART. Remember me saying in the last blog on relationships that we get back what we give out ? Well a really EASY way to tell exactly what you are giving out in relationships is to look at what you are GETTING.
This was a really tough one for me because when I looked at the game-playing, the hurtful selfish behaviours, the neediness and the rejection that I was getting!!!! I had a really hard time admitting that this was what I was putting out there! My first instinct was to beat myself up for doing such a bad job !!! But this is how we are hard-wired. We do it for survival, we think we do it because the other guy might get in first and do it to us. We have justifications and reasons galore for the way we act and none of it really matters at the end of the day because we are not getting the results that we want.
So after what I decided was THE LAST painful relationship experience that I could tolerate I just kind of stopped. Stopped trying, stopped searching, stopped looking, stopped dating and just took at good long hard look at myself. What I saw was a person that was loving, kind, compassionate, willing, open, loyal and basically AMAZING ( hells yeah!!!) …….and that person was alone and sad because she was constantly playing games and pushing people away to save herself from the rejection that inevitably came in relationships. That was my story.
So I got to thinking……WHY did I want a relationship? I had done lists before, soul mate letters and relationship qualities I wanted, vision boards etc. What I had not done is think about and live into HOW I WAS in the relationship of my dreams, HOW I FELT, HOW I ACTED, basically WHO I WAS for myself and then WHO I WAS for the other person from that. And then I began to live into that. I stopped thinking that a relationship could complete me or give me anything outside of what I could give myself and I started to really seek the qualities that I had that I could provide a foundation inside of a relationship AND I started to live those for myself. Don’t get me wrong – when you think that you want a relationship for the physical touch and so you practice hugging yourself it can feel a little weird! laughable almost but this is really the ticket to exploring what it is that we think and imagine that others provide for us, as well as the meanings we make when they withhold or take this away.
So my first request to all my SINGLE LADIES ( and men) out there is to start becoming aware of WHO you are for yourself and WHY you want a relationship.
For e.g . you might feel like you want a relationship because you want a companion, someone to talk to, someone who always listens. So start becoming aware of HOW you talk to yourself, are you kind? are you critical? do you listen to your own needs or intuitions or do you ignore them sometimes? Let me tell you if you want a relationship for this reason ( and there are many others you can explore!!!!) then GOOD LUCK BABY!!! No person is always going to listen or talk or hear what you have to say, and even more shocking neither are YOU for someone else. So the result of the example is to explore, what happens for you when you don’t listen, or are not listened to, what stories do you go into and so on. It’s simply an exercise for you to start seeing WHO you are for yourself.
I truly believe that as antagonising as it is sometimes, this stuff, this personal journey stuff, is lifelong development. YOu don’t get it done, you simply close the gap between realisation and action. This is my wish for you. I want you to create amazing relationships and have happy fulfilling lives in partnership with people that you love. This starts and ends with YOU.
Until next time – love to you all xxx