I can’t tell you how soul destroyed I was when my husband’s business that I had built right alongside him, failed and we were forced to liquidate in January. I remember just shaking and feeling nauseuous for days after we had to empty out the huge new offices we had recently moved into. Not only was it physically demanding but mentally and emotionally one of the most exhausting things I have ever had to do. I would even go so far as to say that I felt spiritually bankrupt afterwards, I seriously lost my faith in people after investing so much time and energy into our big team, some individual’s behaviour made me question everything I knew at times! But what I know is that hurt people hurt people. Lashing out had become my new normal, it felt like every moment was a battle and every conversation another opportunity to defend. It was in truth a living nightmare.
What many didn’t know (and to be honest even the ones that did had little empathy!), is that we had been through a long and slow journey to recover and heal from 3 miscarriages and had done a lot of work with a naturopath and doctor over the year leading to this point. We had come so far but still our dream of having a family eluded us. To be honest we were completely heartbroken, and it had been easy to invest in and deflect our energy into the business we had worked so hard to build.
No one plans to fail, and I am sure even some of the naysayers and critics can look back now and realise that we truly did the best we could, based on the knowledge we had at the time. I don’t know what would have made a difference, there were so many factors and that’s the truth. And if I’m honest with myself I don’t think I would have wanted to. There was a lot of growing toxicity in the ranks from a couple of people that weren’t willing to take responsibility for their actions and instead of walking them out the door, we did what we as coaches and mentors loved to do and we took on the possibility of having them have a transformation. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! But the best thing to do with it is write a Note to Self : when I feel or see that same thing happening again, act on your intuition and do it sooner rather than later. Easier said than done again! Try acting on your intuition while you have a $120K payroll, nearly 60 staff in and out of your door, multiple managers and a huge potential investor for an innovative project that will guarantee the future direction of the business and you have right there a WALL of potential INTUITION BLOCKERS. Add to that some endless days where we didn’t know where work began or ended, and you have some serious stress!
Yep I get it, I hear you! “But YOU chose it” I hear you saying! We did – it’s true. All the responsibility, all the cause and effect, all of it lies with us. No one else made us do it and yes, we chose it. Powerfully, mostly. Despite being left with a very bad taste in my mouth by people’s actions and losing a good many so-called friends out of it, I don’t blame anyone. At any point I could have chosen to walk, and so could my husband. But we were driven by something bigger than us, our vision. We are STILL pulled forward into an uncertain future (like everyone!) by this grand vision. What I discovered from where I lay on the floor in my house in January, contemplating life and whether it was worth it to continue, was that without a Vision we have nothing, no purpose, no connection. We are just an empty shell, a human body consuming and absorbing, taking up space and using up oxygen. Sounds harsh? Believe me it felt harsh to be on the receiving end of those thoughts. After losing my mum 7 years earlier, progressively feeling like a family of my own was slipping through my hands to land here, no business, no money, no dream, it was the emptiest and most desolate I can recall feeling in my life. To fill in a few gaps, I had lost opportunities, walked away from partnerships and closed my own business in the decade prior to this, so please know this was NOT my first Rodeo, but it won the award for the biggest. Thankfully we had been a couple of months away from putting shares into a family trust and potentially instating me as a director. As none of this had happened it was my husband that took all the big hits in the real world, and that is just about the worst thing to see my man, my provider, the husband I had vowed to spend the rest of my life with, go through.
There’s so much about this process I have wanted to share, to be able to defrag, download, as well as to offer hope, learning and insight to others. And yet every time I have sat down to write it has felt too big, too overwhelming. There are so many parts to this I may never fully uncover but today as I step into the next levels of my own big vision and I look back and smile at this incredible journey we have come on, I feel hope, I feel alive and most importantly perhaps I feel connected again to something bigger than myself.
So, if the only gem I get to share today is this – that without a VISION we have nothing – then that is what I will resign myself to. It’s a bold declaration and I’m ready for the resistance. I think I resisted this for so long which is also kind of ridiculous considering how much work I did on my own and with other people on this topic! But here’s why I am so glad I failed in business. It gave me a new perspective on LIFE and how goddam precious it is. It showed me that failure is not an end but a beginning, it showed me how to grow and become more resilient through painful and trying times, and best of all it showed me how to build such a worthy, purposeful and connected Vision that it no longer matters what fails, or falls over, who lets me down or rejects me. And regardless of what curve balls life chooses to throw at me again, I get to stand inside my Vision and breathe. I get to close my eyes and look inward toward my own soul and know the true meaning of ‘This too shall pass’. I get to cultivate an inner strength so deep, that even when the sticks and stones are being thrown, I can be ok with the fact that it may sting and smart, but wounds heal.
I think we learn so much from failure, but rarely do we ever get to share what it really demands of us or what it gives us in terms of our capacity to heal, unless we do this – write the blogs, teach the seminars, share the messages somehow. We cannot empower anyone else if we cannot share our experiences. Telling someone HOW to get through it is not going to help at the end of the day, I’ve experienced plenty of advice being thrown my way but in the end, it was between me, and God. And yep, He heard a fair few prayers in the last little while! Your Vision for your life is what will carry you through these times and what will pick you up of the floor (if required – hopefully not!)
In the end, if I can inspire one person to get through their failure or breakdown with a smidgen of hope in their heart I have succeeded. If I can be that guiding light for someone, like so many have been for me by sharing their stories with heart and vulnerability, then I have won. As my Dad has always said “You want to be careful where you’re looking because one day the horizon is right here”. And I never understood it till now. This is my horizon, I’m here because I dared to look up, dared to dream and create my Vision again, and now? I’m doing it all over again…what else?
Love to you all xxx
PS. What’s your next step? Are you ready to create your Vision? Then work with me and let’d do this already! Come on what are you waiting for. Head here to book a discovery call with me and see my current offerings https://wholehearted.satoriapp.com/book